Sunday, 29 March 2015

An open letter to Edward Timpson MP

An open letter to Edward Timpson Conservative MP of Crewe and Nantwich:

Dear Edward,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me personally.  You must have been up into the early hours night after night writing individual letters by hand to each and every resident in the constituency. It's really refreshing to see a local politician make that personal touch rather than send out another dreary generic self serving monologue that addresses nothing of any substance and relates in no way to specific local needs.

You mentioned in my personal letter the same as you mentioned in the personal letters you sent to my wife, parents and several friends that "I have always endeavoured to be a responsible, accessible local MP" and that "local unemployment is now even lower, and we're seeing funding pour into better roads".   I'm glad that on your 13 mile drive to reach your local constituency that you have noticed more money has been needed to pay outside contractors to fill a few thousand or so more pot holes.  This is just one example to show how locally living outside of the area has given you, our local MP, a better perspective of our local needs from afar.

You say "Our young people are thriving in jobs and apprenticeships" which is great!  So three cheers for the 20% rise in zero hours contracts making local unemployment lower!  Your boss David Cameron really is coming good on his pledge of "making work pay" so I bet you're all relieved you don't have to include the 1.8 million people working zero hour contracts in the official national unemployment figures.

Your letter was rather brief which is understandable when you had so many to write so I'll have to keep mine brief too without much else to refer to.  I'm sure you're rather too busy to be reading letters anyway at this time of year, what with the election coming up you'll be concentrating on getting your photo in the Crewe Chronicle as many times as possible and then there's lots of work still to be done on repealing that pesky hunting ban and quietly pushing through the £100billion trident nuclear weapon renewal.

It's great to see candidates and MPs being active and setting a good example for a healthy lifestyle so in this busy period I hope you still find time to enjoy your favourite sports of marathon running, which is highly commendable, and of course fox hunting and badger culling, I mean who doesn't like to see a majestic red fox savagely ripped to pieces?

Finally, and once again, thank you for your hand written letter.  It's good to see you're not wasting your time as Crewe and Nantwich MP by trudging around from door to door like the other party candidates are doing and trying to speak to local people face to face.  Who does that these days? It's so awkward having to look people in the eye when they're talking.

Yours Sincerely,



Anonymous said...

Give him a break. I actually think he's a jolly good chap.

Su said...

agree he's probably a good chap but also understand why letters like this alienate the voters. this is actually a very funny read

Brian X said...

incisively harsh but very funny especially the end note

jonny brand said...

Thanks for your comments. I do realise Eddie ain't all that bad, we could be lumbered with worse but his dreary generic mass printed letter made out in pseudo handwriting really does deserve some cynical satire.