Friday, 6 February 2015

The Awkward Agony of Being British

  • At the supermarket if there's no next customer baton divider thing on the counter then it is impossible for the next customer to put their items down without creating high levels of tension and panic.  Someone do something! Quick!
  • you ask someone "excuse me, sorry, are you in the queue?", they say "oh sorry, no i'm not sorry", you say "oh okay sorry, sorry", you both then laugh for no reason.
  • you are walking through a building and a succession of different doors have been held open for you, you've already said "thanks", "ta", "thankyoou" and "cheers", what the hell are you gonna say next???
  • If someone queue jumps make sure you stare intensely at the back of their head and look behind you at the rest of the queue. 
  • Someone in a shop is browsing at something you want to look at.  pretend to be interested in something else nearby that you don't care about at all until they leave the shop.
  • the panic of being next up in an everyone round the table say a bit about themselves situation causes you to say something mildly weird.  You are now convinced everyone thinks you're a total freak.
  • After saying "excuse me" twice and failing to get someones attention you must abandon your attempt at interaction completely.
  • if an unknown number is calling your phone then stare at it but do not answer it.
  • To tell a barber/hairdresser to 'please stop cutting because this is much shorter than I wanted' you must stare silently at your own reflection.
  • In reference to the lack of sunny days at every given opportunity say "looks like we've had our summer for this year then" on most days between June and August despite being sick of both saying and hearing it.
  • Finding yourself unable to continue a conversation properly while the waiter/waitress is at your table.
  • Trying not to say "thanks" too many times for every single item the waiter/waitress clears from your table and then do one big "thanks very much" at the end followed by an overwhelming sense of relief.
  • Punish someone for not saying thank you by muttering "you're welcome" so quietly it's probably not audible.
  • You have payed for something in a shop with what you know to be exactly the right change but feel a compulsion to say "I think that's right" and wait while they count it.
  • Saying "If you get time at some point today, but only if you're not busy" when you want someone to do something immediately.
  • Someone is being noisy or silly or mildly anti social, the best way to deal with them is to briefly look at them whilst smiling at them politely with your mouth closed. Ha! they won't dare do that again!
  • If you are walking down the street by yourself and decide you want to be going in the opposite direction obviously you can't just suddenly stop and turn around, I mean someone might see you! your options are 1. look at your phone, walk slower and act out a moment of realisation 2. stop to look in a shop window for at least 10 seconds before turning back, or even better go in the shop but then you'll need to browse for at least 30 seconds.  3. walk all the way round the block  4. stop and wait at a bus stop before turning around although if other people are waiting you may have to get on the bus if one turns up.

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